Punishing and Discipline – a rant

A recent study highlights the fact that today’s parents have forgotten that sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind! One in four parents refuse to discipline their children because they are worried they might upset them.

This survey led This Morning to do a phone-in for parents who wanted advice on disciplining their children.

What followed was controversial, to say the least. Denise, the agony aunt gave some solid advice and the child was at the centre of her responses, which is a pleasure to see. While her advice was maybe not as practical as it could be, I admired her for going against the grain.

However, the onslaught she received on the This Morning Facebook page made me very angry, to say the least.

With comments like,

“Personally I think they should have got Super Nanny in to give advice, I thought Denise’s advice was nambypamby and far too soft”.

“Could not agree more Carly…..to tell a caller that her daughter had suffered enough after trashing her mums house was ridiculous. Is it any wonder kids are out of control when there are no consequences for their actions? Bring on Super Nanny!

“Bring back the cane…. teach them to respect the fact that they could be caned – it’s a deterrent more than anything – I think they should bring back birching too; don’t look so big in front of their mates then, do they?”

“No offence to Denise, but it’s people like her that have made the UK the way it is!! I think they need a new agony aunt on This Morning”.

“I know if I’d come home to find my daughter had trashed my house, I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions! Lets just say that if she was my daughter, she wouldn’t see sunshine for a while! My parents never left me alone because of that, but to tell the mum that she had punished the daughter enough was utterly ridiculous. I sat with my mouth hanging open, incredulous at what she was saying. I’m sure that, whilst the house was being trashed, the daughter couldn’t give a monkeys. They have no idea of the value of money, what it takes to accumulate household items. The mum sounded distraught, but the advice was, never mind, put your arm round her and tell her its OK. What does that say to the daughter? Never mind, its not my fault, it was my mates, I’ll just blame them and get off scot free!”

Anyway I could go on and on, but I won’t. For me, these comments are what is wrong with the country and believe me, Supernanny cannot solve them. What is it with this country that we think when our children make mistakes they need to be punished? What is it about the Generation X parents that thinks our children should pay big time? Maybe it is because as a generation of youth, we were pretty ignored; maybe we are jealous because now we are living in a more child-centred society. To me, thinking that Supernanny and punishment is the answer to all our problems is totally ridiculous.

As parents, our job is to teach, guide and empower, surely not to punish, control and belittle? Or it it just me that has lost the plot?

These quotes say it all to me.

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much.” Marian Wright Edelman

“What we do to our children, they will do to society.” Pliny the Elder

If we believe, as a society, that our children need caning for making a mistake, then what are we teaching them?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we should be our children’s friends, I don’t think that we shouldn’t teach them about responsible behaviour and I think that there should be consequences, however I do feel that every person, child or not, has the right to be treated as a human. I believe that every child and every situation is different and I don’t believe that the Naughty Step will do you any good when your child turns around and tells you where to go. I think that firm, fair and consistent parenting is the key. Remember, you are dealing with a human!

We need to build strong relationships with our children if we are to have any influence on them, not alienate or blame them for everything that happens.

There is a difference between punishment and discipline.

Discipline is about being committed, being in control and training to improve behaviour. When it comes to parenting, it means a disciplined approach that allows parents to stay in control and improve their teens behaviour. Discipline does not mean punishing….

Punishing is